March 18, 2011 § Leave a comment
I think you ought to know this
not unlike any other
it’s been like this so long
are you ok dear?
I know I should have noticed
a quiet day
not unlike any other
it’s been like this so long
whatever you want from me
whoever I try to be
I will never be there
I can never be her
in your society
am I ok dear?
I think you want to know this
duties I leave
not to take on another
and if I don’t fall this night
I will have to go along
unless something strange will happen
there’s still something to be done
this story will go on for long
March 4, 2011 § Leave a comment
Murakami’s Norwegian Wood movie trailer.
February 25, 2011 § Leave a comment
Today, I was sitting all alone at the office. I was the only person who had the shift. Anyway, I’m working as an e-learning assistant at my university. I have eaten my lunch, downloaded several songs, and checked my e-mail and scele account, and still, I feel bored.
I use to look at my window, for your information, my computer places beside the window. From my desk I able to see the view of an avenue surrounded with some trees. Sometimes, I saw a few students on bike, cars on the wheel, or security patrol. But most of the times, I saw something that rarely people realize about, I saw silence. That avenue is more often to be quiet than to be in noise. But, most people who cross that avenue seem the same feeling, they feel secure. Well, I guess some people have the same thought with me; silence brings the security to your soul.
Then, I looked at my twitter account and I lost the secure feeling I got by seeing the view outside my window. Today, one of my friends had passed away because of brain cancer. What struck me the most is, beside the memories that I share with my other high school friends, I’m not ready to attend any funeral. If you read some of my post before, you’ll see I’ve been struggling through a pretty hard situation, and now I’m not ready to face something like this.
I don’t know, I think I’ll spend my whole night to cry, alone.
February 7, 2011 § Leave a comment
In the middle of the night I was sleeping sitting up, when a doctor came to tell me, “Enough is enough.” He brought me out into the hall (I could have sworn it was haunted), and told me something that I didn’t know that I wanted to hear: That there was nothing that I could do save you, the choir’s gonna sing, and this thing is gonna kill you. Something in my throat made my next words shake, and something in the wires made the light bulbs break. There was glass inside my feet and raining down from the ceiling, it opened up the scars that had just finished healing. It tore apart the canyon running down your femur, (I thought that it was beautiful, it made me a believer.) And as it opened I could hear you howling from your room, but I hid out in the hall until the hurricane blew. When I reappeared and tried to give you something for the pain, you came to hating me again, and just sang your refrain:
You had a new dream, it was more like a nightmare. You were just a little kid, and they cut your hair, then they stuck you in machines, you came so close to dying. They should have listened, they thought that you were lying. Daddy was an asshole, he fucked you up, built the gears in your head, now he greases them up. And no one paid attention when you just stopped eating. “Eighty-seven pounds!” and this all bears repeating.
“Tell me when you think that we became so unhappy, wearing silver rings with nobody clapping. When we moved here together we were so disappointed, sleeping out of tune with our dreams disjointed. It killed me to see you getting always rejected, but I didn’t mind the things you threw, the phones I deflected. I didn’t mind you blaming me for your mistakes, I just held you in the doorframe through all of the earthquakes. But you packed up your clothes in that bag every night, and I would try to grab your ankles (what a pitiful sight.) But after over a year, I stopped trying to stop you from stomping out that door, coming back like you always do. Well no one’s gonna fix it for us, no one can. You say that, ‘No one’s gonna listen, and no one understands.’ So there’s no open doors, and there’s no way to get through, there’s no other witnesses, just us two.
There’s two people living in one small room, from your two half-families tearing at you, two ways to tell the story (no one worries), two silver rings on our fingers in a hurry, two people talking inside your brain, two people believing that I’m the one to blame, two different voices coming out of your mouth, while I’m too cold to care and too sick to shout.
You had a new dream, it was more like a nightmare. You were just a little kid, and they cut your hair. Then they stuck you in machines, you came so close to dying. They should have listened, they thought that you were lying. Daddy was an asshole, he fucked you up, built the gears in your head, now he greases them up. And no one paid attention when you just stopped eating. “Eighty-seven pounds!” and this all bears repeating.
January 25, 2011 § 1 Comment
I’m too far away from any solution that normal human could get. My heart too withered to hope into something. My brain freeze since the eyes captured the greatest picture of tragedy can be. I’m broke, both inside and outside. In sort, please say hello to mental breakdown.
Jumping off the rooftop wasn’t enough to reach out death. After that moment, waking up every morning has been the hardest part. Thoughts, so many thoughts. What will happen today? Will anyone notice the scar on my left foot? Will I able to raise my right hand soon? Inside of me, there is a little girl, she is yelling, screaming, and wanting to get rid this tragic life. But, she failed to end it, she is full of helplessness.
Sadly, nothing goes better, I felt on the floor this morning. I woke up and not able to gain my consciousness, I slipped on the wet floor. My back hit the table at the living room and I didn’t know what was happening to my right hand. The only fact I knew that time, my body was paralyzed.
Everybody near me tried to take me to the bed. But, for a half hour, it was no succeeding at all. I was crying so hard, I wanted my mom to come. But what was happening? She wouldn’t even open her room door. She got mad trough since the tragedy happened and I still don’t know how to cheer her up. I couldn’t even to cheer my self up.
Then, I’m trying to walk to my room with both of my senselessness feet. Everyone was starring at me, like I was a pity dead body. At first they were panic, but later they did their own business. My brother went to campus, my father went to office, my grandmother went to kitchen, and my mother came to me. She said don’t worry, anything will be better; my back will heal itself soon.
3 hours after that, I took my netbook, wrote something about this morning, and feel the pain at my whole body. Do you know what the worst? I don’t want to die, but I don’t know why I should continue my life.
Please, give back my normal life!
January 18, 2011 § Leave a comment
Baringkan kepala di peraduan, merenung tanpa meratap. Semua yang saya kenal, semua yang saya ketahui, semua itu sudah tidak seperti yang lalu. Bijaknya memang perubahanlah yang abadi. Merelakan semua adalah hal tersulit saat ini. Sepanjang kehidupan tidak diharap, kemudian datang begitu saja. Coba kamu pikir apa yang saya pikir, apa yang saya rasa, dan apa yang saya rencanakan, tentu selain untuk tidak menerimanya. Mengakhiri pun saya telah tergopoh, saya tak mampu. Kehilangan kuasa untuk marah, kehabisan tenaga untuk bersedih, hanya putus asa yang tersisa.
Berjalan sejenak ke arah atap, di atas genting rumah tempat hidup selama dua puluh tahun, saya duduk di atasnya. Tengadahkan kepala, terlihat awan putih di langit biru muda. Sekilas, apa rasanya terkapar beralas awan, tak terbayang betapa kosong atau isinya di atas sana. Kembalikan pandangan ke permukaan bumi yang diselimuti rerumputan berembun. Apa rasanya jika badan terhempas ke tanah berembun itu? Gelincirkan sebagian badan ke bawah, dalam sepersekian detik saya tahu rasanya melayang, punggung saya meluncur di udara. Tanpa memejam mata sedikit pun saya mencoba merasakan setiap sensasi di seluruh tubuh. Kaki saya gatal sejenak, tapi lebih dari itu kaki saya tidak merasakan apa pun untuk sesaat. Hingga sakit yang luar biasa muncul mendadak, tepat di bagian telapak yang beberapa waktu lalu melepuh karena menginjak keramik yang baru dibakar oleh bagian bawah loyang kue. Saya tidak mati, saya masih merasakan sakit. Tuhan masih menginginkan saya hidup, tapi….