April 14, 2011 § Leave a comment
Last night, I was talking to myself, I felt so tired and bored at the same time. I got so little time to feel alive. Too many things to do, I even don’t have any time to write it at my daily planner. I force myself too hard to pursue something that I can’t see clearly though. It’s hard to believe that I already have things to do until May 2012. Damn! Today still April 2011. Essentially, I don’t even know why I’m up to all these activities. Corny, but it’s true that I experience to know how it feels to be Jim Sturgess at 21. I really want my main job back, I want my own life.
Okay, enough with complaining. Well, at least, I’ll do something fun and worth it at the same time. What was that? It is TEDx event! Yeah, I really mean TEDx, nothing wrong with your eyes! I’m joining this TEDx team as something-that-you-wouldn’t-think-I-am-according-my-blog-post. My position wouldn’t let me complain on anything, so please guys, this blog is the only where I am able to do it. Anyway, I hope this event will be huge and great. For more details just check out our twitter account.
Turquoise is a domain of blue, not green.
March 31, 2011 § Leave a comment
Let me be honest to you reader, recently life has been so good to me. At the first few months of this year, I was screw, all was holy crap. But overall anything changed into something good. I learned a lot about what was happening before. One thing that I could remember barely, there is nothing such as true love. True love only lives in imagination. Some people just dramatized it most of the times. I can be good, you can be good, and I suppose to believe we don’t need drama. Love might really exist, but please I don’t want to presume it as something I saw on cinema. Anyway, I just don’t have any strength to believe and to move along with something beyond reality.
Dear life, I’m welcoming you again, please keeps on giving some happiness.
February 25, 2011 § Leave a comment
Today, I was sitting all alone at the office. I was the only person who had the shift. Anyway, I’m working as an e-learning assistant at my university. I have eaten my lunch, downloaded several songs, and checked my e-mail and scele account, and still, I feel bored.
I use to look at my window, for your information, my computer places beside the window. From my desk I able to see the view of an avenue surrounded with some trees. Sometimes, I saw a few students on bike, cars on the wheel, or security patrol. But most of the times, I saw something that rarely people realize about, I saw silence. That avenue is more often to be quiet than to be in noise. But, most people who cross that avenue seem the same feeling, they feel secure. Well, I guess some people have the same thought with me; silence brings the security to your soul.
Then, I looked at my twitter account and I lost the secure feeling I got by seeing the view outside my window. Today, one of my friends had passed away because of brain cancer. What struck me the most is, beside the memories that I share with my other high school friends, I’m not ready to attend any funeral. If you read some of my post before, you’ll see I’ve been struggling through a pretty hard situation, and now I’m not ready to face something like this.
I don’t know, I think I’ll spend my whole night to cry, alone.
January 25, 2011 § 1 Comment
I’m too far away from any solution that normal human could get. My heart too withered to hope into something. My brain freeze since the eyes captured the greatest picture of tragedy can be. I’m broke, both inside and outside. In sort, please say hello to mental breakdown.
Jumping off the rooftop wasn’t enough to reach out death. After that moment, waking up every morning has been the hardest part. Thoughts, so many thoughts. What will happen today? Will anyone notice the scar on my left foot? Will I able to raise my right hand soon? Inside of me, there is a little girl, she is yelling, screaming, and wanting to get rid this tragic life. But, she failed to end it, she is full of helplessness.
Sadly, nothing goes better, I felt on the floor this morning. I woke up and not able to gain my consciousness, I slipped on the wet floor. My back hit the table at the living room and I didn’t know what was happening to my right hand. The only fact I knew that time, my body was paralyzed.
Everybody near me tried to take me to the bed. But, for a half hour, it was no succeeding at all. I was crying so hard, I wanted my mom to come. But what was happening? She wouldn’t even open her room door. She got mad trough since the tragedy happened and I still don’t know how to cheer her up. I couldn’t even to cheer my self up.
Then, I’m trying to walk to my room with both of my senselessness feet. Everyone was starring at me, like I was a pity dead body. At first they were panic, but later they did their own business. My brother went to campus, my father went to office, my grandmother went to kitchen, and my mother came to me. She said don’t worry, anything will be better; my back will heal itself soon.
3 hours after that, I took my netbook, wrote something about this morning, and feel the pain at my whole body. Do you know what the worst? I don’t want to die, but I don’t know why I should continue my life.
Please, give back my normal life!
January 18, 2011 § Leave a comment
Baringkan kepala di peraduan, merenung tanpa meratap. Semua yang saya kenal, semua yang saya ketahui, semua itu sudah tidak seperti yang lalu. Bijaknya memang perubahanlah yang abadi. Merelakan semua adalah hal tersulit saat ini. Sepanjang kehidupan tidak diharap, kemudian datang begitu saja. Coba kamu pikir apa yang saya pikir, apa yang saya rasa, dan apa yang saya rencanakan, tentu selain untuk tidak menerimanya. Mengakhiri pun saya telah tergopoh, saya tak mampu. Kehilangan kuasa untuk marah, kehabisan tenaga untuk bersedih, hanya putus asa yang tersisa.
Berjalan sejenak ke arah atap, di atas genting rumah tempat hidup selama dua puluh tahun, saya duduk di atasnya. Tengadahkan kepala, terlihat awan putih di langit biru muda. Sekilas, apa rasanya terkapar beralas awan, tak terbayang betapa kosong atau isinya di atas sana. Kembalikan pandangan ke permukaan bumi yang diselimuti rerumputan berembun. Apa rasanya jika badan terhempas ke tanah berembun itu? Gelincirkan sebagian badan ke bawah, dalam sepersekian detik saya tahu rasanya melayang, punggung saya meluncur di udara. Tanpa memejam mata sedikit pun saya mencoba merasakan setiap sensasi di seluruh tubuh. Kaki saya gatal sejenak, tapi lebih dari itu kaki saya tidak merasakan apa pun untuk sesaat. Hingga sakit yang luar biasa muncul mendadak, tepat di bagian telapak yang beberapa waktu lalu melepuh karena menginjak keramik yang baru dibakar oleh bagian bawah loyang kue. Saya tidak mati, saya masih merasakan sakit. Tuhan masih menginginkan saya hidup, tapi….