between pity and fear, here comes sadness

January 25, 2011 § 1 Comment

I’m too far away from any solution that normal human could get. My heart too withered to hope into something. My brain freeze since the eyes captured the greatest picture of tragedy can be. I’m broke, both inside and outside. In sort, please say hello to mental breakdown.

Jumping off the rooftop wasn’t enough to reach out death. After that moment, waking up every morning has been the hardest part. Thoughts, so many thoughts. What will happen today? Will anyone notice the scar on my left foot? Will I able to raise my right hand soon? Inside of me, there is a little girl, she is yelling, screaming, and wanting to get rid this tragic life. But, she failed to end it, she is full of helplessness.

Sadly, nothing goes better, I felt on the floor this morning. I woke up and not able to gain my consciousness, I slipped on the wet floor. My back hit the table at the living room and I didn’t know what was happening to my right hand. The only fact I knew that time, my body was paralyzed.

Everybody near me tried to take me to the bed. But, for a half hour, it was no succeeding at all. I was crying so hard, I wanted my mom to come. But what was happening? She wouldn’t even open her room door. She got mad trough since the tragedy happened and I still don’t know how to cheer her up. I couldn’t even to cheer my self up.

Then, I’m trying to walk to my room with both of my senselessness feet. Everyone was starring at me, like I was a pity dead body. At first they were panic, but later they did their own business.  My brother went to campus, my father went to office, my grandmother went to kitchen, and my mother came to me. She said don’t worry, anything will be better; my back will heal itself soon.

3 hours after that, I took my netbook, wrote something about this morning, and feel the pain at my whole body. Do you know what the worst? I don’t want to die, but I don’t know why I should continue my life.

Please, give back my normal life!



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