monologue #55:8 months left, then I’ll blame it on PEA
October 17, 2009 § 2 Comments
I was listening to Thousand Miles by Vanessa Carlton, When You Love Someone
by EndahnRhesa, Llyod, I'm Ready to be Heartbroken by Camera Obscura,
and Aqualung’s Word and Music album.
I felt so gloomy about today’s sexual psychology class. There was nothing wrong about what my lecture explanation. It’s just the difficulties in me. Some sort of egocentrism attachment to the latest input of knowledge.
Today my lecture was talking about love definition, its aspect, and so on. She said when people fall in love their gland produces Phenethylamine enzyme. Phenethylamine works as stimulant for endorphin. Endorphin itself releases at exercise, pain, excitement, and orgasm. It has positive effect as the natural pain reliever. That’s why people who fall in love will get happier and more relax than before. Sometimes it can make you to do some irrational things. So, it all started with the PEA.
Love also has a scale based on attachment, caring, and intimacy. Attachment is all about presence. At least, that my first thought. When you miss someone you love your brain works like you’re wanting some drug sensation. It hurts so much like any kind of drug addiction. It might cause any physical bad symptoms. That explains why I can’t hardly to stop crying and my blood pressure tension also decreased when I miss someone. I easily got sick when at that moment.
Caring is about valuing each other’s happiness. I don’t even know whether he knows what will make me happy. But, I memorized all of his laughter. How wrinkles show up around his eye , the rhythm of his breath, and his gesture every time he laughs. Most of all, I love him the most when he laugh.
Intimacy talks about sharing. I remembered the way I shared the moment, so naïve that I have ever imagined those kind of happiness will last forever. I realized it when I found I was losing of any contact with him. He ignored me for no reason.
The gloomiest part of me floated when my lecture told my class that this effect only last, the longest time of all, for 18 months. I wasn’t surprised at all. Because I have heard before that chemistry, that ’head on the heels’ and ‘butterfly inside my belly’, itself only happens for 8 minutes. But I was thinking, 10 months has gone, for the worst, this sickness will only last for another 8 months. I don’t think I’ll end up with growing-up love. Something that will last forever or at least longer than PEA sensation. But, I can’t imagine if all of my memories will fly away just like dust in the wind. Those excitement, anxiety, joy, jealousy, birthday surprise, tears, laughter, smile, worries, gossip, and lies will end up as history or maybe only a story at this blog. If only he knew how much it means to me when I write this post. Maybe he will never knew it. I don’t know. But, if he knew it all along I wish he realized how mean he has been to me for all this time, but I won’t blame him. I’ll blame PEA for this stupidity.
Time please ticking faster, hope that I can sleep and wake up next year.
brengsek gue gak bisa berhenti nangis!